I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize