The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
