What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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