Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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