He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm at about main and main street
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
