if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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