my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Houston, we have a blender
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize