Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
