I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
