totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
