I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
