oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
