I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
there is glitter all over my balls
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
