my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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