so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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