pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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