I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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