I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
