do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
