wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
