Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
