You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
