Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
