so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
