I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
