All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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