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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
is wine microwaveable?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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