Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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