we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize