I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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