if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
