i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
