just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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