The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
