If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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