Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
