accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
