Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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