Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
