god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
