rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
