Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
