Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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