Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
