yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
