he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
