my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
