see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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