I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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