The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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