Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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