I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Houston, we have a blender
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
