hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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