you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
