well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I pour the whiskey from now on
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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