When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
