All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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